Wish You Were Here (Instead of me)

Every once in a while a postcard comes along that makes you think, "What were they thinking?" Not for the squeamish, herein we travel to the darker side of vintage travel.

First up in our gallery....

Grandma seems frozen in terror...her boney, blood-drained hands clutching her purse as though some spector of doom is about to escort her to the great beyond...or mug her for a monogramed hankie, a pair of clip-on sunglasses, a scarf and a half-used bottle of Phenobarbital (or Phenobarb as my Grandmother used to call it. They were on a first name basis).

Of course, it doesn't take Lisa Williams or John Edwards to divine what has Granny rigor-mortised. It's the woman in the blue dress. She's SEE-THRU!!! You can see the man behind her...THROUGH HER FACE! Yes, ladies and gentlemen...caught on camera for the first time...in Covey's Little America, Highway 30, Granger, Wyoming, no less...is the Grim Reaper herself...in shortsleeve blue for a change with a cute matching Peter Pan hat with Satanically red trim. Hmmm. I think we know where Granny is headed.


Each year, thousands of seniors move south in search of an exciting retirement to counter the endless boring years spent up north. Here we have just such seniors...or as they prefer to be known, the Octogenarians of the Damned. It doesn't show up in the postcard, but their eyes are doubtlessly glowing blue. "Join us", they drone, "It won't hurt". At the very least, this is irrefutable photographic proof that life begins at 80...albeit a tedious life of pushing a disc around with a stick as your antique friends look on and mash their gums with glee. Does it get any better than this?!


Does anyone else find it ironic that the "Call of the Wild Museum" in Gaylord, Michigan is housed in the most inorganic, unnatural structure found on Earth? It looks like an ant farm for people. I suppose the "Call of the Sprayed Concrete Facade Museum" has less sex appeal. Nonetheless, folks show up in droves...black, white and red droves, evidently.


Nothing like a day of fishing in the great outdoors! And this is NOTHING like a day of fishing in the great outdoors. Evidently the artist behind "The Call of the Wild Museum" didn't go hungry after that disaster. He went on to design Rainbow Falls (minus rainbow) for Frontier Village in San Jose, California. While there doesn't seem to be any documentation on the web, from the looks of the gaping cement mouth, I'm pretty sure this cliff ate the boy fisherman after this photo was taken. It was either the cave or the unseen Tyrannosaur evidenced by its large conical droppings seen in front of the falls.


As if shuffleboard weren't enough, Florida also offers visitors a "Stairway to the Stars". At the time this was taken, it was the longest escalator IN THE WORLD! I can hear the seniors now, "Pshaw! Stairs are for Northerners!" Don't be too forlorn, someday we too shall ride to the stars in such style!

It's probably important to note that the "stars" you were riding towards weren't in the heavens..they were likely part of the pre-hangover euphoria brought forth by the endless free beer offered here at the Anheiser-Busch Brewery in Tampa. Less picturesque is the down escalator on THE OTHER SIDE of the all-you-can-sample brewery. The famed "Stairway to the Loo". I have yet to find a postcard of that.

Too big to be confined to ONE postcard, here are some other views of it:

Notice the line for the "Stairway to the Stars"...after all...it's not everyday that you get to ride an escalator.

Not to be outdone, the folks at Clingman's Dome in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park have gone one better by making your ascension longer and more laborious! Circular Ramp...what won't they think of next!


Behold the luxurious Surf Room Lounge of the Manger Annapolis Hotel where no one poses stiffly or awkwardly. The relaxed atmosphere lends itself well to uncomfortable body language and the total lack of communication. You just KNOW these folks are having fun from the pallid, stoic expressions on their faces. "Fun? Party of 13?...Right this way!"


Somewhere, somehow, the powers that be in the public relations department of this motel thought that THIS image would SELL people on the motel. While it's clearly labeled the "Desert Holiday Motel" in Desert Hot Springs, California, I'm pretty sure it's actually an image from Dante. The back of the postcard also says "Every Day a Holiday at Desert Holiday". The missing verb and article make me think that the PR person in question now works at Number One Chinese Takeout in my hometown. Luckily, this is the "before" image...the "after" image...brrr...let's just say...you don't want to go there.


Among the great museums of the world, there are The Met, The National Gallery, The Louvre, and, of course, The Tupperware World Headquarters. See the perfectly preserved remains of King Tup. Sample some of the leftover fish and loaves. Travel back through the history of the Tupperware party, back when it was just a group of neighbors who sat around, ate dip, and felt guiltily obligated to buy some token plastic crap. It's located in Orlando...back before Orlando became synonymous with "plastic" and "cheap".


"We'd like to invite you to worship with us."

As if they didn't have it hard enough in early Jamestown. Pastor Grey Suit was speared. I don't know what happened to his fetching wife.

One sign that every traveller fears with a sickening familiarity is "No Vacancy"

Here, some visitors to Santa's Workshop in upstate NY experience that very thing.